These animals are gamers, fight me

Right now, we’re in a weird place in time. Major game releases came out just before Christmas, but it’s still too early to publish our Top 10s of 2022. Of course we have some news here and there, but it’s quiet. Dead silent.

In these moments of peace I sit and think. I think about life’s most debilitating questions and watch them manifest in words floating in my head before they fade away: Where do we go when we die? Who is Banksie? Is Bruno Mars gay? Which animals are gamers?

That last question really sticks with me. We know that video games for dogs are now being made. What now, a dog for world president? I really hope so.

But what about other animals besides a gamer dog? I know in my heart that there are animals that could intuitively be gamers by nature. How do I know? Easy. I just think about it and it seems right. Isn’t that what philosophers used to do? Just sit in gowns and say, “Hey, what if life was a highway and we drove it all night?”. The philosopher’s name? Tom Cochrane.

Anyway, I thought this would be the right time in this moment of slow news to share with you the animals I believe are gamers, just based on a gut feeling I have. My gut may be unreliable when it comes to the actual job it has (digesting food), but it’s pretty good when it comes to intuition.

Please, for the love of God and all that is holy, take a look. Please don’t actually fight me. My body is too soft and worthless to take a single punch.


This funny monkey

animal gamers
Image: outcast85/iStock

The black and white snub-nosed monkey is definitely one of the funniest monkeys. When I took a bold leap of faith and asked in my company-wide group chat what everyone thought of this funny monkey, I got the following responses:

  • “very good”
  • “That’s a pretty funny monkey!”
  • “Mongol”
  • “it’s funnier than I expected”
  • “Looks like it’s going to tell me something that will change the course of my life”
  • “monk”
  • “it certainly knows at least one (1) secret of the universe”

There is a strong case for this monkey being a gamer. First of all, I’ve met gamers who look a bit weird before, myself included! In addition, the secret knowledge of the universe is similar to when gamers know how to do a cool trick in a video game. It is the same!

This funny monkey is definitely a gamer, and I think he likes to play Nintendo 64. It is a classic gamer and he likes to laugh.

Any octopus probably

These animals are gamers, fight me
Image: TheSP4N1SH/iStock

Fearing for my job security after posting a picture of a black and white snub-nosed monkey in the company-wide group chat, I decided on this one based on pure instinct alone. It’s obvious, right? More legs, more gaming.

Since every octopus has eight legs (or “tentacles,” as I’m told), I’d be inclined to say that pretty much every octopus is a gamer. You can play an octopus in a video game, and that’s directly related to the fact that if you play an octopus on a street fighter arcade machine, it would know exactly what it was doing. I have yet to meet an octopus expert who says otherwise, but I have yet to meet an octopus expert.

This octopus, and any octopus, is definitely a gamer, and I think it would play button masher games.

Crabs, honey

animal gamers
Image: ANDREYGUDKOV/iStock

Yes!! Haha, yes!! Sorry, I’m just excited about this crab. Looks like it’s ready to party!

Crabs are gamers for sure. However, they are very specific gamers. I believe with all my heart that crabs are exclusively motion controlled gamers. Some may say that people who play Just dance exclusively are not ‘real gamers’, but are you really going to look this crab in the beady eyes and tell him that they have every single platinum and Just dance play and religious play Just dance every day isn’t ‘real gaming’? Watch out for your Achilles heel, this guy is a nipper!

If you saw a crab playing a game, it would definitely be Xbox Kinect or Wii. You can play with the crab, but you’ll be scared of your ankles if you win against a crab.

Most beavers, but not all

These animals are gamers, fight me
Image: Jillian Cooper/iStock

I think beavers are very smart creatures. Personally, I don’t think I could build a dam from random things I find, and I certainly don’t think I could knock it with my tail. That’s exclusive to beavers, honey!

Based on this purely instinctive ability to create, I think beavers are THE animal players. Gamers like to build, they like to create! Some gamers also have small hands with long nails and some also have large flat tails. The similarities are endless. I don’t think all beavers are gamers though, as they may be too busy building dams. They have jobs, you know.

I think there are definitely some beaver gamers out there, and I think they play Minecraft. No me know they play Minecraft.

Especially this cat

These animals are gamers, fight me
Image: Nils Jacobi/iStock

This cat is a gamer. This cat is a gamer and there’s nothing you can do about it.

I once met this cat at a Gamer Cats convention. It was the only gamer cat there because there’s only one gamer cat and that’s this one. This cat is a gamer and he plays Fortnite and it also has the Battle Pass. It’s not good at it, in fact, it’s terrible at it.

The thing is, you don’t have to be good at games to be a gamer. This gamer cat is definitely a blast at playing games, it’s that bad. Oh my god it’s the worst in playing video games jesus christ. That doesn’t matter though, it does anyway, and it’s the only one that does. What are you going to do about it? scream? piss your pants? It does not matter. It laughs (in meows) and it causes the character to run into a wall.

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